Friday, January 30, 2015

I’ve been promoted!

Yes I know it’s been 3 years since I’ve posted anything and no one’s going to read this but still I just had to share the news!

For some time now I’ve been telling The Man that I want more responsibility. Possibly even a title of some kind.

Well, it gives me enormous pleasure to announce that I’ve been handed a role with authority, responsibility AND kudos.

That’s right, I’m the new Fire Warden.

I know what you’re thinking, I used to think that too.

Yes, this role is traditionally handed to the kind of pedantic jobsworth who’s desperate for even the smallest sense of authority. But ask yourself this: if that were still the case, why did they ask me?

Plus, I can tell you this job certainly has its perks.

You know how chicks love firemen? Well, it's almost the same for Fire Wardens.

Not only that, when a fire alarm goes off and you march about in a high visibility vest barking orders, everyone has to notice you (why did no one tell me this sooner?!)

My lifesaving role doesn’t end there. Once the alarm has been triggered, I have to sweep the floor (this is ‘sweep’ in the figurative sense, no actual brush is used) for stragglers.

Occasionally some bigshot might decide he's too busy for a fire drill. Maybe he’s on a client call. Or he needs to get ready for a big presentation.

Well, I’ve got news for you, punk.

I will not hesitate to bring the full weight of workplace Health & Safety directives crashing down on your stupid, ignorant head.

First, I warn him. Then I warn him a second time. Then I leave him – if there’s any justice, he'll die a slow, painful death, his flesh being licked by flames over the course of several pain-racked days.

But if he does survive, I will give him a written warning that he must take part next time.

That’s right, not looking quite so ‘busy’ now, are we?

Spiderman was right. With great responsibility comes great power.

And I’m loving it.