Friday, July 31, 2009

Ice Cube stole my face

Anyone who knows me knows I pull that very same face for most of my working day.

Happy Friday. I suppose.

Thursday, July 30, 2009

Sabotage! Conspiracy!

Fear not little ones, your blog daddy is still here. But that was a close one and no mistake.

For those of you who don’t know (where have you been?!!) for a while there it was looking like I couldn’t access the blog. Fortunately, the travesty of a blogosphere without my insightful contribution has been averted.

What’s that you say? An unfortunate accident?

Don’t be so naïve.

Look at the post below that I wrote only two days ago. That's right, I mentioned I don’t know what my password is (that field always filled automatically).

The very next day my login goes queer. Coincidence? You decide.

(Of course it's not!)

“So who’s responsible?!” I hear you ask, trying to conceal your anger but with that little vein popping out of your temple giving it away.

Well, much as my boss, Snox, would like to take the credit (so what’s new) I sense a far sharper criminal mind at work.

I look around the blogoweb and I see a lot of very jealous people. And with good reason.

Has The Ad Contrarian noticed I now have 20 followers? Did crackunit read my piece on the light bulb change and sense the creative bar has been raised beyond his reach? Is Scamp unhappy that a young pup has shown that old dog some new tricks?

Whatever, I’m on to you.

It’s a blog-eat-blog world out there. Watch your backs!

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Bloggers Unblogged and Tone of Voice

Last week I met a fellow blogger in the ACTUAL world.

It’s the first time that’s happened. I found it interesting to note the difference between his on-screen persona (thoughtful and provocative) and off-screen (a bit like an enthusiastic, hyperactive child – in a good way).

I got a bit self-conscious wondering whether in the real world I lived up to the dull, petty-minded ‘virtual’ me. He kindly reassured me I did.

On a separate note, I just realised he has another blog, with a whole different persona (angry and very funny) at youpissedmeoffyoubastard. Which is a nice example of developing more than one tone of voice using only one brain and set of typing pinkies. Well worth a look.

Sadly he can no longer post to this blog because he lost the password and Blogger would only send it to his old email address. That's got me worried now. I have no idea what my password is.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Overwhelming flood of support - thank you!

My post campaigning for employee rights at RMWLC Towers (you can read more two posts down) has provoked an astonishing and quite wonderful reaction.

Thank you all for your messages of love and support. It’s no small comfort to me to know that, though I sometimes feel like I’m fighting this reduced-breakfast-bowl-battle alone, I do in fact have a legion of you, my supporting angels, behind me.

Of course, it’s not just support from you the common man. Some of adland’s glitterati are also standing alongside me. Only this morning, Charles Saatchi came out in support, penning this rather moving and original piece for the campaign.

First they took away the soya milk, And I didn’t speak up because I don’t have soya milk in my latté;

Then they took away the Dorset Cereals, And I didn’t speak up because I’m not a big muesli fan;

And then they limited the number of salads to five, And I didn’t speak up because I don’t do garnish;

And then... they reduced my breakfast bowl’s size by 3mm... And by that time there was no one left to speak up.

Touchingly, even the young can sympathise with my plight. Baby Realmenwritelongcopy has sent in this heartwarming message.

Please keep the beautiful expressions of solidarity flooding in. You can post in the comments section or email your support to

You are all beautiful, beautiful people.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

A good day for the writers

I've written about the joy of working on Wales before.

Thank heavens for copy to sweat over.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Join my campaign to spoon justice back into breakfast

As I skipped merrily to the free staff breakfast bar this morning for my daily dose of roughage and vitamins, I was stopped in my tracks. By the strong arm of injustice. Namely, this.

That’s right, the dishes for the fruit and cereal buffet have been replaced by new ones that are 3mm shallower.

Well isn’t that a fine how-do-you-do?

Here I am giving my all, sometimes working 9-hour-days, to please The Man. AND FOR WHAT?

To be rewarded with THIS??!!

I spoke to the girl serving and she was unhelpful to say the least. After pointing out it's free, she then says, “You’re welcome to take two” – when she knows only too well I can’t carry two dishes AND my gingerbread frappucinno. And there’s no way I’m making two trips up and down those stairs.

Well they’ve gone too far this time. I’m sorry. You can push a man so far. And then a bit further. But then that really is it.

Someone has to stand up for the common man. That’s why I’m asking you to join my campaign, ‘Productivity Ends Now – Imploring for Sustenance’.

Add your support today, whether it's emotional or practical.

Together, our voices cannot be ignored!

Monday, July 20, 2009

Monday morning humour

You don't have to be mad to work here - but it helps!!!!

Friday, July 17, 2009


I’ve gained three new followers this week. I don’t know if the dizzy heights of hitting 20 has made me freeze or what but, let’s be honest, it’s been a bad week blog-wise.

The light bulb-change was a real low point.

Tango once ran an ad apologising for their previous crap ad and they’ve never really recovered, so I’m stopping short of a full apology. This is more a pledge to try harder.

I’ve still got nothing to say by the way.

My friend Ricky Big Face sent me this:
I just happened upon Mikel Arteta on twitter. His tweet from yesterday is as follows:

“My first time kicking the ball again today and I am already better at passing than Phil Neville. Thank you all again for your messages M.A.”
I was going to use it as the launch pad for something hilarious and twitter-related. But then I had a look and it’s not even real. And I couldn't think of anything funny anyway. Plus, with my diverse and cultured readership, most of you probably don’t even know who Mikel Arteta is.

Just remember, I’ve been bad before. But I’ve always managed to surprise you and do something worse.

Please don’t give up on me just yet.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Men carry out manual work in office

Work at Realmenwritelongcopy Towers came to a complete standstill today as some MANUAL LABOURERS came and changed a light bulb.

Staff members sat agog as the men came in with a stepladder and began changing the bulb without so much as a by-your-leave.

“They just came in with a stepladder and began changing the bulb without so much as a by-your-leave” said a visibly shaken writer close to the incident.

Girls swooned at the display of raw masculinity, while the men affected a ‘working class’ accent and talked about football.

All in all the work took around three minutes.

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Johnny foreigners do a nice video

I haven't lazily embedded anything for ages (whereas there's been lots of lazy writing). And this is lovely.

See? You don't have to have a big budget to make a video. Just a great idea and the production job from hell.

Quite a catchy pop tune too (though a bit foreign).

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Never failing to disappoint

I’ve been doing some research into how people end up on this blog. Apparently, some readers come here intentionally. But most come in search of something and (like those who come here intentionally) leave disappointed.

These are some of the searches that led people here:

"read it and weep" copywriting
Boss touching
prayer for business
a bug that looks like a fly but larger with stripes

Most frustrated of all, however, has to be the poor soul who searched for ‘How to write long copy’. Unbelievably, this blog actually comes out top if you search for it.

If that was you, I’m so sorry.

But I'm going to make it up to you. I've written my top tips for aspiring writers. These are lessons plumbed from the depths of my advertising knowledge. Tips gleaned from the great harvest field of creativity. Enjoy:
  • Listen to angry music. That way, when suits come over they’re less inclined to argue.
  • Apple c apple v. Get to know these two keystrokes, they’re the most important weapons in any writer’s arsenal. After all, what’s the point in writing something again when someone’s already done it for you?
  • Go to lunch early. Otherwise there’ll be a big queue.
  • Get a window. These are good for looking out of and thinking. Or just looking out of.
  • Go to the pub on Friday lunchtimes. Otherwise you enter the weekend filled with a strange sense of self-loathing. Don’t know why, you just do.
That’s it for now. I’ve got loads more I’m sure, that’s just for starters. And if anyone else has any, please pop them in the comments.

Friday, July 3, 2009

Gratuitous pumping

I’m beginning to think fist pumping is the way to go.
Finish some copy – fist pump!
Come up with an idea – double fist pump!
A superior takes a comment I make seriously – fist pump whilst shouting “YES!”
If you're looking to give yourself an edge in the workplace, I recommend you give it a go.

Thursday, July 2, 2009

Optimism levels returned to normal

You better not come here with your amends. Not today. I got some serious freakin’ copy rage.

Oh no you didn’t. Oh no you didn’t just rewrite my subhead. You didn’t just rewrite it with the FREE at the start and the long product name so it goes into two lines. I’ve written more copy docs than you’ve had mocha-frappuccinos and let me tell you, ain’t no one better. Nobody hits apple c apple v better than me. I get those amends, find the previous version, save as new name, paste in those lines from another job back in February. Print it out, check it. I ALWAYS print it and check it. Then send it back to you so fast it’ll make your inbox spin.

I don’t have to put up with this. I could be writing labels for innocent smoothies or something.

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Cautious optimism

I’m feeling strangely positive after my holiday. Rejuvenated, you might say. I think it’s down to all the fat people I saw while in the US. They've done wonders for my self-esteem. Presumably in the same way that an American visiting here would get a lift from their dental hygiene.

My new-found optimism is looking like it could go well into a third day, which proves that one shouldn't underestimate the power of a holiday. You hear about creatives early in their career not taking any holiday in case they miss a good brief. Apparently Trevor Beattie did this and look what a damp squib his career turned out to be.

Possibly we’re the last to take our leave because we have this idea that we enjoy our job so much we can just keep going. It’s only when you take a break that you realise how badly you’ve been limping along. I normally average an impressive 2-3 ideas a week but by the end there I was down to about half an idea a week. You know you’re in trouble when you find yourself seriously considering your AD’s ideas.

Anyway, it’s good to be home. One kooky habit those Americans have is being friendly to strangers. It’s seriously creepy. Can’t tell you how glad I was to get back to London. Within 0.006 of a second on the underground some banshee with a suitcase jabbed me in the ribs then shouted at me for pushing and I immediately felt my whole body relax.