Christmas preparations for real men

One of the worst things about freelance life is that you’ll be at home with your family more. As a result, your wife will give you jobs.

So many jobs, in fact, that you will consider turning this into a DIY blog. And actually write a post on How to install a Christmas tree.

How to install a Christmas tree

Once some chancer has fleeced you and you've spent £30 (£30!!!) on a tree that Charlie Brown himself would reject, you’ll need to stick it in a stand.

You may find the tree doesn’t sit properly in the stand because the cretin lumberjack or whatever his name is doesn’t know how to cut a tree straight and gave you a wonky bottom bit of the trunk that needs evening out. (You should have spotted this when you bought it but you didn’t.)

To saw it you’ll need a saw. You can borrow a saw from a man, most likely a neighbour. The man will look down at you for not having your own saw. He thinks he’s so much better than you just because he built his own extension out the back and he’s got a van but he’s not all that. I saw him drinking on his own down the pub once I think he and his wife had had a row.

Saw it.

Put it in the stand. (Take care when positioning the tree as the pine needles are really sharp. If one goes under your nail you are likely to yelp in pain and maybe swear in front of the kids.)

Stand back to see whether or not it's straight.

Wrong

Wrong

Still wrong

Still wrong. What is up with this thing? I’ve been waggling it around for half an hour now.

Right

Congratulations. You have installed your tree. Now you can move on to the next job on her list and this will not end until you get another gig so you'd better get on to some headhunters or something.