Me, child superstar

In the olden days, there was no X-Factor. During these dark pre-Cowell years, people were instead served up dodgy quiz shows hosted by middle-aged men in velour sweaters. One such show, called Child's Play, featured megastar contestants such as Christopher Biggins, Jeremy Beadle, Lulu and Suzi Quatro, along with nauseatingly cute children. The premise of the show was that the aforementioned cute kids would describe a word, but without saying it. The contestants then had to guess the word. With hilarious consequences. You won't be at all surprised to hear I was one of those cute kids. Even at that young age, I was pretty ‘gifted’. As a result, they rarely featured me in the main part of the show. Instead, I was confined to the little bit before the ad breaks, known as the 'this is what happens when the kid's a bit simple' slot. To put it bluntly, I was a figure of fun. To six million viewers. This week I have finally had the celluloid footage converted to electro-bytes and stuck it on YouTube. I realise there’s no reason why you should find these clips remotely interesting but I’m sticking it up here anyway. Enjoy! (Or don’t, I don’t care.) To explain, I’d seen a model of a baby in the womb and when I asked my dad what the umbilical cord was, he said, “That’s how they eat”. Thanks for that, Dad.