How to freelance. Lesson 3: a varied wardrobe.

Just a quick one today.

I’ve stated previously that the first things a prospective employer looks for are a winning smile and a cute ass.

But remember, it’s no good having a cute ass (which I have) unless you’re also wearing, say, tight chinos to show it off.

I'm not just talking about sex appeal. This is about LOOKING THE PART.

Only a fool underestimates the importance of clothing to their career.

As a permanent employee, you may be able to rest on your garment laurels. I used to wear the same jumper all week and just occasionally vary my t-shirt.

But now I'm a freelancer I really mix things up:

Monday: special shirt and blue jumper
Tuesday: t-shirt and special blue jumper
Wednesday: t-shirt and blue jumper
Thursday: shirt and special blue jumper
Friday: special shirt (odour permitting) and special blue jumper

In this way I keep myself fresh, exciting and dynamic. I suggest you do the same.

Having a baby is brilliant

Having a baby is brilliant.

Your friends make meals for you.

You get to sit up late at night watching old West Wing episodes while he snuffles and sighs asleep on your shoulder.

Your neighbours bake cakes for you.

Your other neighbours who are having a baby soon get to come round and practice holding your baby and you get to explain to them that baby poo doesn’t actually smell bad (if they’re breastfed). Just kind of smells like sour milk.

You finally have an excuse for looking so crappy all the time.

Your other other neighbours stay the night when you have to leg it to hospital because of some problem or other and they get your eldest child up and dressed and take them for breakfast with their own kids and they have a food fight and think it’s the best thing ever.

You get to administer the fantastically named Gripewater.

Having a baby is brilliant.

Sexy sax man

If you don't have 5 minutes and 3 seconds, I recommend you watch from around halfway. Time well spent either way.

How to freelance. Lesson 2: appearing competent

Welcome back, my apprentice. Obviously you’ve learnt a lot from my last tip and have come back for more.

Appearing competent is one of the toughest skills to master in this game.

It’s by no means essential. However, if you’re able to look professional, or even actually be professional, it’s a real bonus. Another string to your bow, so to speak.

You don’t stay in this industry as long as me without picking up a few things about feigning competency. Here are my top tips.


The silent nod

Silent nodding is one of the most powerful weapons in a freelancer’s arsenal.

It’s ingenious. Because you haven’t been around long enough for them to know whether you’re nodding because you're an imbecile or because you know everything. Be warned though, this one does have a limited shelf life. I try to move on every week or so.

Getting angry

Just because you’re new, that’s no reason you can’t kick off. In fact, CDs like you to do this.

It doesn’t have to be about anything big either. In fact, the more pedantic the better. The important thing is to go really mental about one tiny thing and let everything else sail by without a hitch. This way you’re not troublesome BUT it also looks like you really care.

Big words

Everyone knows that using big words makes you look really impressive and intelligent.

The big word I use most is ‘tautological’. This is the best one in the English language, as no one has any idea what it means, least of all me.

So, for example:

Suit: Shouldn’t you change this word to ‘and’ instead of ‘or’?
Me: It’s tautological.

or

Creative Director: This copy doesn’t make sense.
Me: It’s tautological.

See? You win the argument every time AND you look like some kind of genius.


There. I think I’ve covered everything you could possibly need for a glittering career. But I know some seasoned freelancers read this blog. So if you have any suggestions, please add them in the comments.

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At last, I have created something of note

Believe me, I'm as disappointed as you that he didn't come out sporting a beard and tiny wrestling suit.

Dear readers, please welcome Newborn Baby RMWLC a.k.a. Jonah William Mance.

Well done me. And well done Mrs RMWLC, who also had a hand in it. And especially well done to God.

Toddler RMWLC (recently ousted from her position of Baby RMWLC) is somewhat less impressed.

I tittered when she got this card.



I love the upbeat note they've tried to strike here. It's a note that's currently ringing very hollow in her little ears. Clearly a planner has been involved.

You may wonder what the arrival of my blogging heir means for you, dear reader.

Well, it was around the last time I had a baby that I birthed this blog. I used to post every day back then, so perhaps this new life will usher in a season of prolific blogging? Then again, this isn't the first time I've made wishy washy half blog-promises.