I will look for you. I will find you. And I will KILL YOU.

Has anyone got my oyster card?

Well I know someone has, because it was auto-topped up at Holborn Station on Sunday at 7:14am.

Whoever you are, I sincerely hope you were on your way to an early morning church service to repent. And that you’ve since handed it in to the relevant authorities.

It’s not about the money. I want it back for sentimental reasons.

Look at it.

Part of its appeal is pure patriotism. But where that ends (which is pretty quickly) pure kitsch takes over and just keeps on going.

Every time I took it out of my pocket it made me smile.

Well I’m not smiling anymore.

Hand it in by 17:30 tomorrow and I won’t come after you. Failure to do so will result in this.



(Just so we're clear, it’ll be me, not Liam Neeson. And I’m after my Oyster card, not his daughter.)

You don't have to be worthless to work here, but it helps

I've just expanded my list of 'dream jobs'. 

As well as 'Copywriter that has won lots of big awards', rock star and winner of Big Brother, I now want to be Italian Prime Minister.

You can see the appeal. Along with Coach of the French football/rugby team and teacher, it’s one of those jobs that beg the question, ‘Just what do you have to do to get fired?’

Only now, as their economy is crumbling and falling into the sea have Italians stopped riding around on their Vespas, checking themselves out in the mirror while eating Gino Ginelli Tutti Frutti Ice Cream and begun to wonder “Hmmm… I wonder if this Silvio guy really is the dynamic visionary we need to lead our country?”

It's a right old mess and no mistake. And of course, as is so often the case, the real victims in all this are the comedians.

Faced with having to look beyond the gaffes of their nation’s leader for material for the first time in a decade, Italian stand-ups must be sobbing to their Mama Mias and comfort-eating their own bodyweight in homemade pasta.

Not that Berlusconi was all bad. I’m sure that when he wasn’t joking about Obama’s ‘tan’, embezzling millions or being caught calling Italy a ‘shitty country’ he did a stand-up job.

Some might find it depressing to see dishonesty and incompetence go indulged and even rewarded for so long. 

But I find it only makes me more determined. If I really focus, I too can land a job where, no matter how inept I am, they’ll never get rid of me. I’ve managed to land those jobs every time so far, so there’s no reason I can’t do it again.

GO ME!