Bryan’s left but that doesn’t mean you have to

Regular readers will be as surprised as me to find my blog has become both funny and popular in the last week. Less surprising is the fact that this happened in my absence.

Bryan ‘Grunders’ Grundy, our man from finance, took my place while I had a week off to recover from the strains of writing the fourteenth most popular UK-centric long-copy-based blog written by a hirsute man in a wrestling outfit.

I’ve got Bryan to crunch some numbers on last week’s stats. The results made for some sobering reading.

It turns out he is 29% more popular than me. And 307% funnier.

Whatever. I’m back at the helm now to steer this blog back into the impenetrable fog of my inane and humourless babble.

Here are some things I can tell you right now:

• While I was away the guy who replaced me lowered my chair and also lowered the left armrest. But not the right. Curious.
• Today I’ve been asked to edit a pub menu. This is not a joke. Has anyone been asked to do a more humbling writing job than this? If so please let me know in the comments.
  
• On my holiday (near Bath) I went to a country park and saw some llamas. I hate llamas because touching one as a child triggered an allergy to ALL animal hair. Again this is not a joke. Has anyone else experienced or heard of this phenomenon (your experience might not be with a llama but another animal)?
• I think that is all.

It’s amazing, I can almost hear the new readers leaving with each word I type.

Ah well. Only 8 weeks to go til Grunders takes over again.

The Supreme miss

realmenwritelongcopy - out. Grunders - in.

I realise RMWLC is not a football blog but as the World Cup has yet to fully start motoring, let's re-visit the best moment from the 1994 finals in the US of A instead.

In fact, this is possibly the best moment of any World Cup finals.

Clean sweep

realmenwritelongcopy isn't here. Grunders is.

Wow, what an suspense filled 24 hours that must have been for you all. Will RMWLC ever have me back after this dumbing down 'take a break' style quiz ? Did any of you get it right ?? (Yes actually - Rob, Jane, & Louise). Did the rest of you care ??

Yes RMWLC fans, I saw the legend of the high pitched squeak yesterday - Sweep.

Lord only knows how he manages to carry his Oyster card round with him, negotiates 'the gap' and gets round the whole 'dogs must be carried on the escalators' rule.

Watch, he's kind of like some kind of one man dog puppet vuvuzela band :-

RMWLC becomes Heat Magazine

realmenwritelongcopy is still away somewhere. Grunders is here instead.

I've noticed before that one of the ways that RMWLC has got his weekly Campaign mentions has been to blog about scintillating subjects such as his journey to work (or something).

I intend to follow this tradition, and blow it to pieces with my star celeb spot on my District Line train this morning. Baron's Court has never seen anything like this before.

Being a fan, I was naturally too nervous to approach them but did get a sly shot on my iPhone of them minding their own business. Can you work out who this TV legend is ??

Study the photo and see if you can work it out. If there a significant level of interest (ie at least one visit to this blog on the stats), I'll reveal tomorrow.

Please make it stop

Realmenwritelongcopy is still away on his hols

I love football.

I love the World Cup.

I love the fact I have 2 computer screens and the games are broadcast online.

But here are the 5 things I currently hate about the World Cup :-

1. Vuvuzela's

2. Vuvuzela's

3. Vuvuzela's

4. ITV HD making me miss the Steven Gerrard goal on Saturday

5. Vuvuzela's

Grunders is back

Realmenwritelongcopy is on annual leave again. Grunders is back

Despite the fact the World Cup is on, I have a backdated list of DIY jobs at home and a 7 month pregnant girlfriend to tend to, nothing could stop me guest blogging for RMWLC for a week.

I realise since my guest blogs last year RMWLC has been having almost weekly mentions in Campaign. My aim this week is to make sure this never happens again. Stay tuned.

Blogging for The Man

The word going around the staff kitchen is that head office has been tracking my progress with interest.

They sense I’m destined for big things. They've spotted my potential.

How do I know this? In short, they asked me to write a post for the company blog.

As you can imagine, I jumped at the chance – an opportunity to put my skills to use in order to promote the company was just too good to pass up. Also they made it very clear I had no choice.

You can read the post here.

Obviously they were delighted with what I wrote. Phrases like ‘destined for senior management’ and ‘rising star’ have been banded around freely in recent days. Which makes such a nice change from the usual murmurings of ‘offensive body odour’ and ‘gross incompetence’.

I’m just trying to keep my feet on the ground and remember the principles that have served me so well up until now: hard work, diligence and brazen brown nosing.

How real men spend their bank holiday

• Rise early thanks to early morning wake up call from the Mystery Singer (see previous post).
• Head to DIY store to buy screws and thingey that stops Baby RMWLC opening cupboard doors and pulling all manner of deadly kitchen implements on her head.
• As I walk in, try to ignore burly staff member rolling his eyes at my chinos and hush puppies.
• Feign a ‘working class’ accent and ask for wood screws. Going on instinct, decide not to ask why wood screws are not made out of wood.
• Scurry out of DIY shop clinging to last shreds of masculinity.
• Begin work with an indefatigable spirit of optimism.
• Read fitting instructions for thingey. It requires FOUR screws. Feel spirit of optimism draining away.
• Drill four holes.
• Drill four more holes.
• Drill more holes.
• Working on the principle that if infinite monkeys sat in front of infinite typewriters one of them would write the complete works of Shakespeare, continue randomly drilling holes in the hope that eventually four will be in the right place.
• Mrs RMWLC marches in to ‘see how things are coming along’. Cower while she rains down all manner of deadly kitchen implements on head before storming out.
• Return to task with renewed sense of purpose.
• After two hours, become hysterical and start dressing the tools up like dolls and giving them names.
• Mrs RMWLC calls Bob from around the corner. Bob comes round and completes the task in around 4 seconds.
• Note Mrs RMWLC gazing wistfully at Bob.
• Long for the bank holiday to end so I can return to being a monkey at a typewriter.