Tuesday, June 1, 2010

How real men spend their bank holiday

  • Rise early thanks to early morning wake up call from the Mystery Singer (see previous post).
  • Head to DIY store to buy screws and thingey that stops Baby RMWLC opening cupboard doors and pulling all manner of deadly kitchen implements on her head.
  • As I walk in, try to ignore burly staff member rolling his eyes at my chinos and hush puppies.
  • Feign a ‘working class’ accent and ask for wood screws. Going on instinct, decide not to ask why wood screws are not made out of wood.
  • Scurry out of DIY shop clinging to last shreds of masculinity.
  • Begin work with an indefatigable spirit of optimism.
  • Read fitting instructions for thingey. It requires FOUR screws. Feel spirit of optimism draining away.
  • Drill four holes.
  • Drill four more holes.
  • Drill more holes.
  • Working on the principle that if infinite monkeys sat in front of infinite typewriters one of them would write the complete works of Shakespeare, continue randomly drilling holes in the hope that eventually four will be in the right place.
  • Mrs RMWLC marches in to ‘see how things are coming along’. Cower while she rains down all manner of deadly kitchen implements on head before storming out.
  • Return to task with renewed sense of purpose.
  • After two hours, become hysterical and start dressing the tools up like dolls and giving them names.
  • Mrs RMWLC calls Bob from around the corner. Bob comes round and completes the task in around 4 seconds.
  • Note Mrs RMWLC gazing wistfully at Bob.
  • Long for the bank holiday to end so I can return to being a monkey at a typewriter.