How to behave in an interview

It's been a busy couple of weeks.

First, I had the minor inconvenience of a few days work. Then the massive inconvenience of my children catching chicken pox – the older one’s given it to the younger one now! Why didn’t someone warn me that might happen?

Anyway, now I’m safely back in unemployment and the children are scabbing over nicely, I can turn my attention to wasting time on here once more.

I thought it’s about time I dished out some advice. On how to get a job.

You see, through traipsing around the streets of London touting my wares, I've honed my interview technique to a point so sharp, many interviewers cut themselves on my handshake alone. 

Get a load of these pearls of wisdom and gems of insight. 

• It’s important to show how keen you are. So arrive a couple of hours before your appointment and stand outside, shivering and giving a pleading stare to anyone who goes in. You might also want to take a drink with you (Dutch courage and all that) to enjoy while you're waiting.
• When you share your work, talk about the challenges you overcame to make that project happen. For example, I find writing sentences that go together really tricky so I always make a big deal about how I had to work really hard at that and most likely ended up getting someone to do it for me. This shows resourcefulness and tenacity.
• Take breath mints. If the interviewer has bad breath, offer them one. EMPLOYERS VALUE HONESTY.
• Think from the other person’s perspective. What would you want to see/hear if you were them? Perhaps they’d like you to bat your eyelids at them, or give a coquettish little laugh while playing with your hair? Then do it!
• Sell yourself. When you’re talking about what you can offer, use words like ‘gamechanger’ and ‘maverick’. CDs love to hear that stuff.

Follow these tips and you're sure to land that next dream job. (Please don’t follow these tips to get a job I want though, okay? If you’re unsure, please call and check first whether I want it. Thanks.)