Thursday, April 23, 2009

The power of beard

From the day I discovered Kylie hadn’t in fact kept herself Especially for Jason and Michael Hutchence was in fact rubbing his grubby Aussie Rock hands up and down her unsullied body, I’ve learnt that not everything in the onscreen world is as it seems.
So when this blog mushroomed in popularity, I vowed not to deceive my loyal followers (I’m now into double figures) in any way. I must practise what I preach. So I grew a beard and began wearing a wrestler’s outfit to work.
This has turned out to be something of a boon both for me and those around me. Not so much the outfit, which chafes terribly, but the facial hair. Here are just some of the ways it’s profitable:
1. I can stroke my beard when coming up with concepts. This has led to a 30% increase in the quality of ideas. Also, when suits or Art Director ask me “Are you sure this line is right, it seems a bit shit?” I can stare into the middle distance stroking my chin for a few seconds before responding “Yes it is” with absolute certainty. And they’re powerless to disagree.
2. It saves my company money. A beard adds ten years onto me. So the agency gets a more senior writer, but for the same price.
3. It’s improved my home life too. I look more paternal in my baby’s eyes and wiser to my wife. Suddenly the same tired excuses for why her husband has turned out to be such a crushing disappointment are imbued with a maturity and reason beyond my tender years.
4. I look more like a criminal. When I walk in my corner shop, the atmosphere immediately turns sketchy. There’s an edginess in the bloke behind the counter. He knows to get my quarter of strawberry bonbons NOW or I may very well pull out a sawn-off shotgun from beneath my mac.
So if you’re struggling in any area of your life, the answer is simple.
By the way I think this is my favourite music video ever. It hits me on an emotional level in a way that, say, Glazer’s Rabbit in your headlight never quite managed.

1 comment:

  1. I have always loved beardage on a man. Now I wish I could grow one myself in order to reap the many excellent benefits you have highlighted. Probs wouldn't get many dates though. Bearded women aren't as popular these days as they once were. I don't think "freak show exhibit" is a particularly profitable career choice any more.